my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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