Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
