And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
