If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
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gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
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I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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