I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
