This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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