Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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