You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I cockslap morals
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
