If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
When are your genitals available?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
