i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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