if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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