When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
