i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
