there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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