he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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