So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
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yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
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You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize