He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
