Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
