I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
