Have you finally orgasmed yet?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
