Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
