can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Two words: blizzard sex
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
