I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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