Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
