so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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