if you like me you must not know who I am
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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