She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
