The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
