i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
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