So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
