Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
