how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
