I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
