I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
