At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
