Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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