I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
