Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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