walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
