Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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