Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
