last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
