you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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