if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
