Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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