I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
