Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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