No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
