I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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