Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Randomize
