A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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