she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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