I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
